“Sometimes I just want the world to burn.”
The quiet filled the room like a heavy blanket on a hot, summer day—both unwanted and uncomfortable. Tobi peeked a look at Parker who sat in the prayer circle with her fists clenched in her lap and eyes brimming with unshed tears. The rest of the girls in the circle pointedly looked at different directions, eyeing the unremarkable room in the Student Union where we met on Fridays for prayer. Tobi wished that she had stayed in bed this morning and made up some excuse not to be here—but unluckily for her, she was the one leading this circus. Parker lifted her eyes to meet Tobi’s and Tobi felt the uncomfortable weight of that expectant look. But Tobi had no answers.
Last night had been the tenth police killing of a black man this year alone, and it was only February. The video had been so graphic and brutal that Tobi herself hadn’t been able to finish watching. Now, looking into Parker’s dark gaze, Tobi wished that she wasn’t Sister’s Fellowship Coordinator of their Bible study. This wasn’t the first time Tobi had wished such a thing. In fact, Tobi had been contemplating informing the rest of the bible study leadership about her resignation. But then Tomas had beaten her to the punch and resigned due to “substantial differences with certain leaders.” His words, not Tobi’s.
“I think,” Tobi began, feeling the eyes of the other girls lock onto her, “we should pray that God brings peace to this country and helps us deal with all this. We don’t have the answers, but He can help us navigate all of this craziness.” The rest of the girls answered with an “amen” or “yes, Lord” causing Tobi to let out a breath that she hadn’t realized she was holding. Tobi glanced at her phone. Five more minutes and then they could close for the day.
“Um…excuse me.” Tobi winced at the sound of Parker’s voice. Parker was facing Tobi with her lips twisted into a frown. Just five more minutes, Tobi reminded herself.
“Yes, Parker? Do you have something else you would like to share?” Please say no, Tobi prayed.
Parker nodded her head slowly, locking eyes with the other girls in the circle. “I think that that prayer doesn’t really cover the issue. I don’t think the issue is simply peace, I think that what’s going on is wrong—just so wrong and disgusting.” Parker’s voice raised a little at the end of her speech. Tobi restrained herself from rolling her eyes. Three more minutes left.
“I think we should pray for true healing and justice—pray for the foundation of this country to be fixed and changed. I kind of sense that we just want all of this to go away, but without true healing, none of this will change. Do you get what I mean?” Parker was looking at Tobi again. Tobi nodded her head and felt her stomach growl and regretted that she missed breakfast. Parker continued on, suggesting that the girls should join some of the protesting that was happening just outside of campus.
“Yeah, sure.” Two more minutes. “We’ll pray for true healing. Anyone else? Great, let’s pray.”
After the meeting, Tobi and a few other girls stacked the chairs in the corner of the room. Kenya, a usually mild-mannered sophomore who started to attend Bible study her freshman year broke the silence. “Am I the only one who thought maybe Parker was going a bit overboard?”
Tobi and the two other girls listening hesitated before answering.
Kenya continued. “I mean, seriously? She wants the world to burn? That didn’t sound very Christ-like.” Esther nodded her agreement.
“Yeah, and she commandeered the whole prayer when I know that a few other people have been going through a lot at home and school. No one felt comfortable sharing about anything else since she made it all about the police killing.” Esther added.
“I know the killings are bad—terrible.” Kenya sought each girls’ gaze. “But we haven’t really discussed what our stance as a Bible study should be on this issue. I mean, protesting is a bit much, right?”
Ayo didn’t say. She just shrugged and grabbed her bag from the floor. “I have to head out since I have class in ten minutes. See you all later.” Ayo ducked out of the room and Tobi immediately envied Ayo’s quick-thinking. Tobi sighed. She had the gut feeling that there was no right answer here. If she agreed with Kenya and Esther and word got back to Parker, then Tobi would be the bad guy. The vice versa was also true. She just wished that she could just disappear for today and stay in her apartment pigging out on take-out while watching a decent comedy. But there was no sense in angering Kenya and Esther. They both were upcoming members of the leadership board and Tobi personally liked to hang out at Kenya’s place on Sunday, when Kenya usually cooked something mouth-watering.
“I kind of see your point,” Tobi pursed her lips. “I mean, there are better ways to approach this issue than taking it to the streets and walking along unbelievers. Would Jesus really have handled it this way?” Kenya’s brown eyes brightened and she lifted her chin up just a tad bit.
“Exactly my point,” Kenya nodded and Esther smiled too. Great, Tobi sighed, disaster averted.
* * *
Parker had stopped attending Bible study once word got out that the leadership board disagreed with her stance and ideas. At first, in the week following the prayer circle, Tobi had seen Parker attend Monday Bible study. Then, her attendance became more sporadic over the next few months. Until finally by mid-March, Parker had stopped attending altogether. No one mentioned the fact that Parker had been sighted at several “Justice Rallies” and “Sit-Downs.”
No one broached the topic of what the Bible study should do in the midst of the continual killing of black men and women. Tobi didn’t have a response and she didn’t blame anyone else for not feeling comfortable either.
Now as Tobi stood outside her physics classroom on the phone with her mom, Tobi felt sick and nauseated.
“Did you hear me, Tobi?” Her mom’s voice was loud and raspy.
“Tope is what?” Even Tobi’s voice sounded odd in her own ears—far away and robotic.
“In the hospital,” her mom repeated in an even louder tone. “I said your brother was involved in an incident with a police officer and now he’s in the hospital. I’m here with your uncle in the waiting room. The doctors are performing an emergency surgery to remove the bullets from his lung. I think that—” Her mom’s voice broke as Tobi heard sobbing through the phone. Each cry clawed at Tobi’s heart, shredding the tender area like a butcher would rend a swine’s hide. Yet she didn’t cry, not one tear.
Tobi’s lips felt like lead and her tongue felt foreign in her own mouth. She recognized her voice as she told her mom that it would be okay and to trust God, but nothing felt real.
“I have to go,” Her mom spoke in a soft tone, barely above a whisper. “I’ll call you if there is any news.”
Tobi didn’t respond, just stared as the screen of her phone turned black. The clock hanging on the wall across from her in the narrow, poorly-lit hallway in the old science building suddenly began to click louder. Its ticks chiming in harmony with the sound of Tobi’s heartbeat which clamored in her chest. The sound almost became thundering in Tobi’s ear. She leaned back against her classroom door and slid down slowly. Something dawned on Tobi at that moment, it was Friday and she was scheduled to lead the prayer circle again. A tear slid down her face and caressed her cheek.
To Be Continued.